Let’s talk. I know we haven’t spoken much lately, but I’m ready now. The thing is, we’ve changed. We used to fit together so well. Everything about you was new and exciting to me. You completed my sentences. You helped me discover all sorts of fun things I never knew about. You were an eloquent and knowledgeable partner. You opened the world up to me. And who could forget those steamy nights?

But lately, we’ve been distant. To be honest, you’ve become a little shrill. I spend a lot of time now just trying to filter all of the stuff you spew at me every day. You’ve always been a little slangy and cliquish, but I have to admit that I’m beginning to honestly despise what you’re doing to the English language. Because I hang out with you all the time, I have to put up with it, but honestly, can you try to control yourself a little bit?

You’re caught up in fads. I don’t want to gossip all the time, and I don’t need to know the minutiae of all your friends’ lives. How do you even have that many friends? Why are you telling me what some girl you went to kindergarten with is going to see at the movies tonight? You talk an awful lot, but say little. I think you’re giving me ADD, if such a thing is possible. It’s always little soundbites with you. You can’t talk about a single topic for more than 30 seconds.

So I think we need to go on a break for a little while. I’ve… I’ve decided to read some books and stay away from you for a while. Look, I know we have to see each other at work, and I know I can read books on you too, it’s just… I need some space. Let’s just try to be adults about this. It’s only a few novels, and maybe, a little nonfiction. Just give me some time. We can work this out. Wait, why are you laughing? What do you mean, ironic?